Five Of The Best, Worst Psychic Jokes

by Douglas Gibb on September 28, 2009

I remember being at school and really hating Mondays. It seemed to me that it always signalled the start of some type of impending doom; so to get you off to the best possible start today, I’ve put together a list of the five best, worst Psychic jokes. Let’s kill those Monday morning blues before they start and begin this week with a smile :)

Joke One

“I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” Steven Wright.

Joke Two

Debbie visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivered the bad news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

“Will I get away with it?”

Joke Three

Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and a tarot reader?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Joke Four

“I can see into your future and I see you being ignored by at least 10 people in the near future!” — Actual quote from a chatroom.

Joke Five

When two psychics met, one said to the other, “You are fine. How am I?”

I hope this raised a smile. Let me know what your favorite Tarot or Psychic Jokes are? I’ll see you in the comments!

Image and Jokes from Serena Powers

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21 comments… Let's discuss

Catherine September 28, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Haha, awesome post ;)

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

The headlines in the newspaper read: “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE”



Douglas September 28, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Hi Catherine,

Haha, great joke! :)


Barbara Moore September 28, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Fun way to start the week! Thanks :-)


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Hi Barbara,

I’m glad you liked them :)


mzzlee September 28, 2009 at 2:34 pm

HAA!! love ‘em! Great way to start my Monday is that I am off. (Yom Yippur-school closed).
Next one!- ha! these fab jokes!
“Will I get away with it?”=hilarious!
be well,doug!


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Hey Mzzlee,

I’m glad you liked the post – hope you enjoy the rest of your day off :D


Theresa September 28, 2009 at 3:14 pm

A little laugh is a necessity on Mondays! Thanks Douglas.

And Catherine – that joke made me laugh out loud. :)


Catherine September 28, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Same here :)

Made me think of a tale my mother used to tell about her Aunt Rose (who really was a midget), said she suffered from Ducks Disease – her a**e was too close to the daisies :)


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Hi Theresa,

Haha yeah, Catherine’s joke was awesome :D


Zanna September 28, 2009 at 3:57 pm

I love these! One of my favorites is a Gary Larsen cartoon where a rhinoceros is visiting a gypsy fortune teller. I tried to find it online but can’t.


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Hi Zana,

Thanks for stopping by :) I’m glad you enjoyed the jokes :D


AJ September 28, 2009 at 5:36 pm

Joke two was really funny. =P


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 6:27 pm

Hi AJ,

Glad you liked it :)


Leila Jo September 28, 2009 at 6:19 pm

Thanks for the laughs – good to start the week with lightness. My fave joke is number 2. Thanks!


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Hi Leila Jo,

My favorite is #1 :D

Glad you liked the post :)


Jason September 28, 2009 at 6:27 pm

I also really enjoyed #2!


Douglas September 28, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Haha I think the winner so far has to be Joke #2 :D


Ginger September 28, 2009 at 10:29 pm

They are all pretty funny but I’d say joke # 2 is indeed my favorite….I’m planniong to tell it when we go out Thursday night…too funny…


Helen September 28, 2009 at 11:35 pm

Thanks for the smile this early in the morning! Here’s one for you….

How many Spiritualists does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they like to work in the dark


Douglas September 29, 2009 at 10:45 am

Hi Helen,

Haha that’s a great joke :D and I’m glad this post brought a smile :)


astromama September 29, 2009 at 2:51 am

I love Joke # 2! I feel like that sometimes too! Can I possibly get away with…..LAMO.

Thanks for the smile!

adiaha aka astromama


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